A Clear View

People tolerate our ideas, but they act on their own. Still we still spend a lot of time telling our — spouses, kids, employees, friends — what they should do and how they should think.

The next time you see your son or daughter struggling with a decision, instead of getting into their drivers seat with your solution, (strengthening their reliance on others’ opinions), try something that will serve them over and over; ask them “What are you wanting that’s important to you?” And then listen; both of you listen and learn. Then follow with, “What can you do to bring yourself closer to that?”

We often skimp on real solutions for ourselves as well; when we’re faced personal decisions or when we’re trying to escape an uncomfortable feeling; we give ourselves a series of “quick fixes” and end up going around in circles.

What do we want for ourselves that is important to us? That is what we might ask ourselves every time we feel our gut in a knot, or our teeth clenched, or when we feel a heavy weight on our chest and think, “Man am I feeling low.”

Simply taking the time to answer the question, “What am I wanting right now, in this moment?” will start us in the direction of relief, and much more-so than acting in a way to get rid of the feeling ASAP (for example by eating something salty or fatty, smoking another cigarette, taking a drink, zoning out on an Internet game, or any other host of compulsive behaviors). These drugs-of-sorts may work for the short term, but they can have ugly side effects, like driving us into a cycle of feeling worse, and then to feeling guilty about feeling worse…

“I want to feel relaxed, to feel comfortable in my own skin…” This is what we might answer if we ask ourselves, when we feel anxious or self-conscious, “What am I wanting that is important to me?”

Following this line of expanded thinking, go on to consciously list what will get you to your (now clear) goal. “Having a couple of drinks might do it, but I don’t like the way I feel the next day… I feel like eating that huge bag of chips to numb me out…but then I’ll feel sick and ach! The guilt!” Stay with it. Keep a watchful eye on what you are truly wanting and next steps that fit will rise to the surface. “The last time I listened to that relaxation CD, I was as calm as a newborn baby…I will listen to the CD before I do anything else.” No unwelcome side effects.

It’s not rocket science, and the process doesn’t bring the miracle of never having to deal with that particular issue again. But it will bring you into the present moment, free from guilt, and that is an experience we can re-discover the value of every time life calls on us to ask, “What do I want that is important to me?”

Chris Davis is a Program Coordinator at Healthy Oxford Hills, a project of Stephens Memorial Hospital. Her program concentration is worksite-wellness, community wellness planning, and tobacco prevention & treatment.