AREA — Over the past year, I have been amazed at the knowledge you can gain with a simple click of the mouse. And I have all my friends to thank!

If you don’t have a computer, you need to buy one immediately; it could save your life, as it has mine.

Here’s how it works.

AOL appears…there’s my list of e-mails and a friendly voice saying: You’ve got mail! Not sure I’m likin’ that guy much… he is way too happy; even early in the morning.

Anyway…I open each and every e-mail. It’s so exciting; how thoughtful of my friends to send me all of these.

All I can think is: what will I learn today?

For example, just last week, I learned that Barney Frank left congress to work for the TSA! Who would have known? I was a bit traumatized by the photo, but with a few more therapy sessions, I’ll be fine.

Now, with all this knowledge, it takes so much more time and work to be safe.

I’ve had to move my toothbrush to the living room, disinfect my pocketbook every time I get home and I have to use a wet sponge whenever I need to seal an envelope.

Speaking of envelopes, I have no idea how many checks I’ve mailed to little Sammie for his dying wish over the years. The disease must be that he does not age, because I think he is still seven.

I’m not at all worried about cash going out, because I have all kinds of money coming in from Bath and Body Works, Bill Gates and at least three other companies.

I just know that all the friends on my buddy list are so happy I let them in on that big secret! But then, if they tried to call me on my cell phone to thank me, they won’t be able to reach me. I heard it could blow up and rip my ear right off. Can you imagine?

Speaking of imagination…how long can it possibly take someone to sit down and come up with all those uses for WD-40 duct tape and dryer sheets? Why, I’ve spent three hours a day trying them all out and I’m still only up to number 258.

Numbers! That reminds me, I am now up to 17,348 angels looking over me. I’m practically a saint! So I’m in hopes that St. Peter will overlook my occasional oops’ on the golf course. But then wouldn’t you think if I had all those angels I’d be able to hit the ball 250 yards and straight?

Speaking of swearing, the hubby gets upset every time I drag him to the gas station to protect me from the Ankle Slasher.

Cars! I almost forgot. I never shake anyone’s hand that has just gotten out of a car because studies show that 80 percent of people pick their nose while driving. Ewww!

Hmmm…at least they have hands. That tells me they haven’t worked in their garden, gotten bitten by the violin spider, and had their hand fall off. I don’t know what would be worse, that or being bitten by that gigantic, black snake that hides in toilets.

I’ve lost weight because I can no longer eat anything from anywhere near Zimbabwe. There is some kind of virus in their bread and it makes all the people grow mutant limbs on the back of their head. With so much food traveling… who knows if someone from Zimbabwe touched it at some point.

Thinking of traveling, I haven’t been doing much of that lately. I’ve heard I shouldn’t sit on a bedspread at a hotel, much less sleep under it. You can’t watch TV because touching the remote is a no-no; you have no idea what the last guest was viewing.

And even if I did travel, I wouldn’t dare head to the bar for a glass of wine. They may find me the next morning in the bathtub with no kidney!

I couldn’t even have water with lemon – where has that lemon been? Even if it didn’t have e-coli, it might have been touched by someone from Zimbabwe.

I could go on and on!

Now, if you don’t have a computer you need to get one; see what you’ve been missing?

And for the rest of you that do have one…you have until the next full moon to retype and forward this to at least 10 friends or you will definitely be hit with constipation for three days and within two months, you hair will all fall out.

Happy New Year … I look forward to next year’s eye-opening e-mails!